If there is one thing I know, it is the natural numbers. I even accept zero as an acceptable "number", in most situations. Numbers are a simple construct given to humans from God (some say that humans stole the numbers from gOD, but they are mistaken. God is constructed by the numbers).

Natural numbers are easy to construct using sets. Where do sets come from, you might ask? Ha! What a stupid thing to ask. Take the empty set. Take it and USE IT, how goD intended. Yeah, really show that empty set a good time. What were we talking about? Oh, right, numbers. So you have the empty set, and it's looking pretty empty: $\emptyset $ . Empty a bit like... zero? Or one. I'm not really sure which one it should be. 0 seems like a good candidate for the empty number, especially since we're about to do a lot of adding.

So you have your empty number, what should you do with it? We'd really like to increment it, if god\_ would allow that. But all we have is this one dumb empty set and nothing to put inside it. Oh, we do have one thing that might go nicely in that empty set: the empty set. Yes! Just take a bag, and put a bag in it. On the surface level, you have a bag with some stuff in it. Look inside, and you find an the empty bag. It would look like this: $\{\emptyset\}$.

So what number is one more than zero? Exactly! Zero-plus-one. We can put THIS abomination and get everyone's this favorite number, zero-plus-one-plus-one: $\{\{\emptyset\}\}$. That's a fine looking number.

What if we have zero-plus-one and want to perform some operation on it with zero-plus-one-plus-one? What is that operation happened to be addition? Well you're in luck. You take the set at the bottom of zero-plus-one, which was previously empty, end stuff zero-plus-one-plus-one into it! $\mathtt{STUFF }\ \{\{\emptyset\}\}\ \mathtt{INTO}\ \{\emptyset\} \Rightarrow \{\{\{\emptyset\}\}\}$.

Now we can also define subtract, multiplication, and division with remainder as simple procedures. Even an idiot could figure those out, so I'll just assume you already know how to do it.

Hopefully, you believe in numbers 0, and 1, and 0+1+1... some number of times. These are naturals.
Using addition, subtraction, and division, we can construct things like $3/2$ or $-5$ from these
straightforward functions on sets. Even a blinded chimpanzee that believed it was a parrot could
create a trivial proof of everything I've said so far. It wasn't *given* to us by g-o-d,
anymore than pain was given to us by childbirth. It simply **IS**, without needing any substance
to stand on. Fucking idiots.

Now there is rumor of a kind of number called a "real" number. There are "uncountably many" of these so-called numbers. Here is how a half-sod fool might try to elude the beauty of numbers:

Imagine an infinite (one for every natural) list, which lists every possible computer program. It really doesn't matter what kind of program, as long as they're Turing Complete. And that's not hard to be: most piles of rocks are Turing Complete if you look close enough. Every possible computer program you could ever write is in here, one that calculates all the digits of pi, one that gives the number 5. Oh and let's spice things up a bit: these computer programs take no input, and must return an infinite stream of digits, with one decimal point along the line at some point. So the pi program would compute for a bit, spit out a 3, compute, decimal point, compute, 1, and so on. The programs must also be guaranteed that it will produce infinite digits, but that's a really small detail. The 5 program would spit out 5, a decimal point, and zeros forever. Okay so every goddamn number is on this fucking list. Tell me about a number that isn't. Just fucking try. Yeah, not a single goddamn number worth talking about has been omitted, because we just listed every single computer program, including the one the simulates this pitiful universe and follows you around, printing off every digit you say aloud. That program, and your soul, and infinite variations are on this list. Infinite universes where you are tortured forever and your screams are used to fuel a nightmare machine who's only purpose is to return a decimal followed by the digit '9' over and over again. That computer program is on the goddamn list, and tortures you for eternity as a mere redundancy of a shorter program that does the same thing without all the torture and simulation. Your family is in this list, and I won't let them out. Ha! Fuck no, they're mine, bitch.

What was I getting to? Oh, right, numbers. So you better believe every number you ever wanted is on this list. What other number could you want? Well I'm going to pull a fast one on you: there are infinitely many such numbers! What a sham! Not only that, not matter how many of these "new numbers" we generate, and add to our infinite list (even if your dumb ass could find a place to fit them), you would never run out! How do we get a "new number" you ask? It's quite easy. First we need to line up all the decimal places. Since we limited only a finite number of digits before the decimal point, we just need to left-pad with zeros until all the decimal points line up. Now go to the first digit of the first number, then the second digit of the second number, and so on for infinity and mash them all together into a delicious infinity sandwich. Increment every digit (mod 10) and you get a brand spankin' new number, not on our list. It would look something like this, for you finite-land morons:

00001.12000... 0] 1 01123.34234... [1] 2 00003.1419.... [0] 1 43242.34214... [4] 5 33423.54322... [3] 4 00232.42342... [.] . 00202.02302... [0] 1 33723.57322... [7] 8 00032.95642... [6] 6 00009.73783... [8] 8 01001.99999... [9] 0 ...

Carry this on forever an you get some bullshit number, which starts with 12154.18680... Now is this the same as the first number? Nope, its first digit is different. The second? Oh look at that, the second digit is different. And so on. No matter how clever your list of numbers is, we can build a new bullshit number that wasn't on your list. It takes infinite time, but only a benign infinity, like the kind you get when you keep adding one to a number forever. A pansy-shmansy wimp ass infinity for little children.

I forgot why I started talking... anyway I hope I've persuaded you that math is NOT a good idea. Stick to smoking crack and jumping in front of cars.